Beyond The Casserole

We’ve all said it and still do. Many of us have had it said to us 

“If there’s anything I can do, just let me know” 

It’s become a stock phrase. 

Something we’ve heard said through generations when we learn of bad news.  We feel it’s the right thing to say. Not that it’s a bad thing to say. It’s better than saying nothing, but has anyone you’ve offered that help to ever taken you up on it? 

My guess is not. They're not emotionally ready.

This is by no way judgmental, but by way of awareness and please, don’t feel guilty if that’s been your go-to cliche. 

When we are grieving, we need action more than words. It’s often the most lonely, isolating place imaginable.

This isn’t the case in some cultures where whole communities tend to those who are bereaved. 

Speaking from personal experience as a middle-class, white female, adult orphan, living in semi-rural Yorkshire, that didn’t happen. 

All I needed was a hug or a “thought you might need a natter”

When we are grieving, we’re not in a place to be reaching out for a hug or that help, as kindly as it may be offered. 

We need it to come to us.

People retell how others deflect their gaze or walk across the street to avoid talking to them. Others get a card politely pushed through the door or, as is more common these days, a text with a crying emoji or a broken heart, which is all very nice, but is it enough…?

If you’ve never been in that unenviable position, perhaps you don’t know any different.

Even before I lost my parents, I was the one arranging a collection for flowers or turning up on the doorstep, yes, with a condolence card, but also a knock on the door.

Never was I told to go away.

I was asked in, I offered a hug, and was given a cuppa.

I sat & I listened.

I was the one turning up with a cooked chicken and ready made salad bowl to offer sustenance because that felt the right thing to do.

I offered to do the practical stuff, like informing the GP that a loved one had died.

A call that they’d not done or thought of. I needed to feel useful at a time when many of us feel helpless.

I’ve also been the one who didn’t know that person, pet, job, or relationship they’d lost meant so much to them and did nothing. Now I know better.

So what’s the worst that could happen?

They shut the door in your face?

Tell you to Foxtrot Oscar?

Not come to the door?

If that happens, politely leave the proverbial casserole on the doorstep.

Go armed with a post it and add a note. Saying “thinking of you” or “I’ll give you a call later .”

Just make sure you follow through on that call. They might not answer, but keep reaching out. Don’t give up on them.

My guess is that beef stew will be welcomed, and you will have made that person, that family feel safe, feel loved and less alone.

So next time, before sending that emoji, stop and think.

How about a “will you be in this afternoon? Is it ok if I pop round…?”

“Can I watch the kids for an hour or walk the dog ?”

Think beyond the casserole…..